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The Ethicist
My Brother Keeps Falling for Online Romance Scams. Should I Bail Him Out Again?
When I hesitate to give him money, he guilts me.
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Illustration by Tomi Um
By
Kwame Anthony Appiah
Kwame Anthony Appiah has been The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist since 2015 and teaches philosophy at N.Y.U.
April 8, 2026,
12:00 p.m. ET
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My older brother is in his early 70s and lives overseas. For many years he has repeatedly fallen for scams, most often involving “women” he meets online who claim they are about to receive an inheritance and plan to marry him. He is divorced and says that these women (whom he has never actually met and who probably don’t exist) give him comfort. He lives on a small pension, has no savings and owes money to me and another sibling for a loan for medical care following a motorcycle accident he had a few years ago. He acknowledges the debt but has made no attempt to repay it. I’ve spoken with him many times about these scams and the predictable outcomes. Despite this, he continues to send money, often giving away most or all of what he has.
When the inevitable happens, he comes to me and other family members for help with basic needs like food. When I hesitate, he guilts me, saying, “If I can’t count on my family, who can I count on?” I care about him and want to maintain a relationship, but giving him money feels like enabling further exploitation. I’m also concerned that if he has a major medical issue, such as another accident, we will be under further pressure to pay for his treatment because he’ll have nothing set aside. Although I have more financial resources than he does, any money I give him would come from my retirement funds or a line of credit.
I’m struggling to balance compassion with responsibility. Am I obligated to step in when he may face real hardship, even when doing so reinforces behavior that repeatedly puts him at financial risk?
— Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
You shouldn’t let up on reminding your brother about the realities here. You can certainly point him to the
Federal Trade Commission’s page
on romance scams, which provides tips about spotting these confidence games, or to the many
reported
accounts
of how they operate. The picture is unsettling. These operations often involve coerced labor, and their enlistment of A.I. chatbots have made them both more persuasive and more pervasive.
But yes, when you help your brother out after he gets swindled, you’re financing a destructive cycle, cushioning the pain for him and subsidizing the romance racket. “If I can’t count on my family,” he asks, “who can I count on?” He can count on you to care. And caring means telling him in advance that you won’t be underwriting a pattern of behavior that amounts to self-harm.
It’s worth asking too why he keeps going along with these scams, even when part of him must suspect he’s being played. Surely the fact that he’s lonely and evidently unable to make connections in real life makes him ripe for counterfeit courtships that burn hot and are consummated with transfers of money. Can you suggest ways that your brother could meet people in real life? If you were raised in a religious tradition, is there a church, a synagogue or a mosque he could get involved in? Are there expat groups where he lives or clubs tied to his interests?
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