[Kim Tae Hyun's Teen Education] What Parents Often Miss: How to Raise a C...

[Korea Lecturer News | Columnist Kim Tae Hyun] “I just wish my child would handle things well on their own.”

It is something I hear from many parents.

They hope their child will manage school, daily life, and future plans independently. Meanwhile, the parent grows anxious, and the child sits quietly, absorbed in a smartphone.

Why does this happen?

Why do so many children struggle to act on their own?

Perhaps the better question is this:

Have we truly created an environment where independence can grow?

1. Parents Want Independence, But Often Build Dependence

Many parents want their child to become self-directed—someone who studies independently, thinks about the future, and makes responsible choices.

Yet at the same time, they often say:

“You’re still too young to know.”

“Let me decide for you.”

“I’ll plan it for you.”

Sometimes parents even take over assignments, schedules, and career decisions.

This is a contradiction.

They hope for independence while raising the child inside a system that removes it.

To be fair, this is understandable.

Children do not yet know the world as adults do. They have less experience, less information, and less developed judgment.

But telling a child to “do well on your own” without helping them grow is like telling someone who has never touched soil:

“Now go farm the field by yourself.”

To do well, a child must first understand.

To understand, a child must first grow.

That is why the real goal is not merely to make children perform well.

It is to help them grow well.

Growth is more than age or physical development.

It means:

Trying and failing

Facing consequences

Making choices

Learning through real experience

Children need opportunities to live portions of life for themselves.

As those experiences accumulate, a new belief forms:

“This is my life, and I can lead it.”

That belief becomes the foundation of independence in learning, career development, and life itself.

2. Children Need Ownership in Both Learning and Career Development

Ask many children why they study, and their answers often sound similar:

“Because my mom told me to.”

“Because I need to get into a good university.”

“Because I need to make money later.”

But are these truly their reasons?

Usually not.

They are borrowed answers repeated from adults.

There is no ownership.

Why?

Because many children have never had the chance to think deeply for themselves.

The same happens with career exploration.

Ask:

“What do you enjoy?”

“What kind of work would you like to do?”

And many respond:

“I don’t know.”

“I’m not sure.”

“I’ve never thought about it.”

I sometimes call this the “I don’t know parrot.”

It is not that these children have no interests.

It is that they have rarely been given the environment to discover them.

A child whose entire life has been organized by adult timetables, academy schedules, and parental plans may never have had time to ask:

What do I enjoy?

What am I good at?

What kind of life do I want?

That is why one of the most important tasks in education is helping children understand why and how learning matters in a way they can personally accept.

Research in motivation and education consistently shows something important:

When students understand the value of learning and personally accept its meaning, they achieve more and experience less stress than when they are driven only by external pressure.

In simple terms:

Children do better when they learn because it makes sense to them—not merely because someone forces them.

Many adults say:

“Just work harder.”

“Studying isn’t supposed to be fun.”

But evidence suggests that internalized meaning is far more powerful than pressure.

So how do we build an environment where children can awaken motivation and live more independently?

Studies based on Self-Determination Theory point to three essential psychological needs:

Autonomy (I can choose)

Competence (I can do it)

Relatedness (I am supported and connected)

When these needs are met, external pressure weakens and genuine motivation grows.

3. Four Environmental Principles That Raise Independent Children

① Trust

“My child can do this.”

Think about when a child learns to walk.

A toddler may fall thousands of times before walking steadily. Yet parents do not stop the child from trying.

Why?

Because they trust the process.

They believe:

My child will walk.

But strangely, some parents who trusted their child through those early falls later lose that same faith in academics or career growth.

They begin saying:

“My child just can’t focus.”

“This child isn’t suited for studying.”

What changed?

A self-directed child grows in an environment where someone watches—but also believes.

Trust gives children:

Self-efficacy

Courage

Willingness to try alone

When adults believe in children, children begin believing in themselves.

② Freedom of Choice

“Choice creates motivation.”

Instead of saying:

“Do your homework now.”

Try saying:

“Would you like to do it now, or in 30 minutes?”

Both statements expect homework.

But one gives ownership.

Freedom of choice is not neglect.

It is allowing children to choose within healthy boundaries and experience the results of those choices.

Life is built through decisions.

When children experience choice, they begin to feel:

“I am shaping my own life.”

That is when motivation becomes personal.

③ Support and Encouragement

“Whatever happens, I am on your side.”

Few words give children more strength than this:

“I’m with you.”

Many children avoid new challenges not because they are lazy, but because they fear failure and criticism.

So they choose inaction.

Doing nothing can feel safer than trying and being judged.

In environments where only outcomes are valued, avoidance grows instead of immersion.

But support and encouragement teach a different lesson:

Falling is okay.

Trying again is normal.

Growth is a process.

They increase:

Confidence

Engagement

Achievement

Emotional resilience

Children need to know that mistakes do not end the story.

④ Love

“In the end, it is love.”

If a child receives praise only when performing well and feels ignored when failing, self-worth cannot grow.

Love must not be conditional.

The child must be valued as a person—not as a score, rank, or result.

Trust, freedom, support, and encouragement all become possible only when rooted in love.

Children are not machines.

They grow through love.

They need to feel:

I am accepted.

I matter.

I am more than my performance.

That is the heart of education.

Closing Thoughts

Sometimes adults become impatient.

We want children to do well before giving them the chance to understand why or how.

But before children can perform well, they must first grow.

Through that process, they discover motivation and begin finding their own path.

Children do not need environments that feel like swamps—places where they sink under pressure.

They need environments like forests:

Space to breathe

Light to grow

Roots to deepen

Room to fall and rise again

And the adults beside them create that environment.

Many parents ask:

“How can I make my child do well independently?”

The answer is clear:

Create the environment where independence can grow.

In that environment, children develop ownership of their lives and learn to stand at the center of their own story.

Independence is not something we lecture into children.

It is something we allow to take root through experience.

And the soil that helps it grow is this:

Trust

Freedom

Support

Love

Columnist Profile

Kim Tae Hyun is a youth education expert and curriculum designer specializing in career development, self-directed learning, and leadership education. Known widely as Girin Teacher, he helps young people grow at their own pace and build lives they can lead with confidence, purpose, and hope.

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