[Yeong-A Cho's Relationship Design] The Final Destination of Relationship...

[Photo credit=Gemini]

[Yeong-A Cho, Columnist for the Korea Lecturer News] For a long time now, we have shared various stories on how to maintain healthier relationships.

Listening well, speaking well, recovering from conflict rather than avoiding it, cultivating relationships through small daily habits, establishing boundaries to protect oneself, emotional resilience to rise again after being hurt, and even discerning the connections to cherish and the lingering attachments to let go of.

At the end of all these stories, we ultimately stand once again before a single, most fundamental and unavoidable question.

Am I getting along well with myself right now?

We often try to find the cause of relationship problems in others. However, relationships always begin with ‘me.’ To fully listen to the other person, my heart must first be open, and to convey my emotions without misunderstanding, I must first clearly understand my inner state. Establishing boundaries with others is also only possible when I recognize for myself what makes me uncomfortable. Ultimately, the quality of all relationships formed with others is determined by the relationship between oneself and oneself, and the direction of every relationship changes depending on how one views and treats oneself.

Although we are aware of this fact, we often neglect our relationship with ourselves the most.

We often treat our relationship with ourselves with the least care. When our relationship with ourselves wavers, we are easily hurt by even the slightest remark from others and lose our sense of self within those relationships. If we are not acknowledged, we lower ourselves, or, overwhelmed by the anxiety of not being loved, we cling desperately to relationships. On the other hand, those with a solid relationship with themselves are not excessively swayed by the reactions of others and can stand tall as themselves in any relationship. The completion of a mature relationship does not begin with changing others, but only at the point where one fully reconciles with oneself.

Psychology also states that the way we treat others directly reflects how we treat ourselves. People who are strict with themselves are prone to being strict with others as well, and those who frequently criticize themselves cannot easily tolerate even the smallest mistakes of others. Conversely, those who know how to treat themselves warmly can respond to the shortcomings of others with much greater ease. Only when your relationship with yourself is healthy can your relationships with the outside world become healthy as well.

So, what exactly does it look like to make your relationship with yourself healthy? It is an attitude regarding how you understand, accept, and respect yourself.

First, it is accepting your emotions as they are, without judgment.

It means letting go of the internal censorship that says, "I shouldn't be feeling this way," and instead first noticing and accepting, "Oh, I am feeling this emotion right now." Emotions are not subjects of right or wrong, but subjects of understanding, and signals that tell us what we need. The moment we acknowledge our emotions, we begin to connect with ourselves.

Second, it is changing the language we speak to ourselves to be kinder.

Let us reflect on what we say to ourselves throughout the day. If criticisms such as "Why can't you do better than this?" or "I'm definitely the problem" are repeated, it is akin to constantly hurting the person closest to you all day long. When the language you speak to yourself changes, your perspective on yourself changes, and when that perspective changes, your attitude toward relationships also changes. "You did a good job today," "You did well," "It happens." These short words are the beginning of changing our relationship with others and change the temperature of our lives.

Third, it is to secure a precious space for recovery of your own.

Relationships consume energy. No matter how good a relationship is, it is no different. Therefore, time to recharge is necessary to re-enter a relationship. Listening to your favorite music, taking a quiet walk, or slowly sipping a warm cup of tea. It doesn't have to be anything grand. A single small ritual that brings you back to being yourself becomes the inner strength needed to sustain a relationship.

Fourth, it is to establish clear standards of your own.

The reason we are easily swayed in relationships is that our own standards are not clear. When we know for ourselves what is important to us, where our limits lie, and what kind of relationships we want to choose, we can maintain our center without being swayed by the expectations of others.

All the stories we have shared so far ultimately point in one direction.

That is, a person who designs relationships well is not someone who is good at handling others, but someone who gets along well with themselves. A person who listens well to themselves can also listen well to others; a person who is honest with themselves can also be honest with others; and a person who knows how to forgive themselves can also forgive others. As our relationship with ourselves matures, all our relationships outside of ourselves mature along with it. The completion of a mature relationship is not far away. It is already contained within the way I treat myself today.

As we wrap up the day, let us quietly ask ourselves:

"Did I offer kind words to myself today? Did I listen fully to the voice of my emotions? And was I kind to myself today?“

We live our lives passing through countless connections. However, at the center of every relationship, 'I' always exist. If the relationship with myself crumbles, any relationship is nothing more than a castle built on sand; but if the relationship with myself is solid, I can protect myself even in the midst of a storm.

The completion of a mature relationship is not far away. Within the way I treat myself with respect today, all the recipes for the beautiful relationships we have long desired are already contained.

Columnist Profile

Columnist Yeong-A Cho is an education expert who majored in early childhood education and has observed the field for over 30 years, progressing from a teacher to a principal. Witnessing countless relational moments between children, parents, and teachers in the field, she has consistently explored the idea that the essence of education ultimately lies in "communication between people."

Currently, as the representative of the "Maum Narae Research Institute," she serves as a Senior Researcher at the Korea Instructor Education Promotion Institute and as a Lead Instructor at the Korea Instructor Agency.

She conducts lectures and counseling for parents, teachers, children, and adolescents, focusing on relational communication, emotional coaching, self-encouragement, and self-esteem enhancement. She presents paths for understanding oneself within daily relationships and connecting healthily with others.

Beyond the simple exchange of words, she slowly researches communication where trust and empathy breathe again. She conveys the value of language that soothes the heart rather than leaving scars, and communication where people remain in relationships for a long time. With a desire to warmly express the relationships that form the foundation of life, she is currently serializing a column titled [Yeong-A Cho’s Relationship Design].

주요

기사

조영아 칼럼니스트